BarrelBottom

No check, 'twas expected in the mail today (or yesterday, the day before...)
Off to first DA meeting tonight
When the money does come
Accounted for already
Minus debt to family
And overwhelmed
By even thoughts of what's to come
It falls apart
At every twist
Contortions wracking me
I'm backing into
Limbo
Black Abyss of
Nonchalant Destruction
of mySelf

Pot Coffee Beer-r-r

Wake.
Bake?
Prob'ly not (yet).

Well, 2nd thought;
quick, before my senses
come to me

Now, CofFee!
Smell it brewing
Nothin' doing
til you get yer fix
or two
(are you
addicted? No!)

The day goes by
The momentary passes
craving ebbs and flows
Deposit more caffeine
If you can manage it
a hit or two or

Evening rides in
Every day, it seems,
and on the ride home
pop into a deli
daily
grab a brew or two or

Home to see the television
Tell you what to think
and-- what's that stink?

It's decomposing.

Watch your self.

ZL 11.8.06 (2 daze to 34 yrs. old.)

Tomorrow

will be 6/6/06.

If I write here again, nothing happend. Or I'll write about it.

-ZL

6/6/06

Walking thru Brooklyn today, happened upon a small billboard with the words:

"6/6/06: the signs are all around us"-- or somesuch.

I'll be out of the city by June 28th, in Minnesota and then California, with Naia...

I hope.

How/ Where to release/ express this anxiety???

So we've got a war criminal at the head of things, accountable to nobody, apparently...

So we're going thru the warmest winter on-record, globally. Today is 9 degrees warmer than the global average for this day of the year...

So the rate of pollution, deforestation, overfishing, irradiation, and cultural/ physical genocide are only continuing to increase worldwide... and our worship of profits seems to impel the planet further and further into such a pattern, steadily increasing in severity and intensity... and anyone speaking out (or thinking) about it are being watched-- closely.

I've got a three year old, incredibly beautiful daughter who I love desperately, simply, completely-- and I don't want her to inherit the "world" we're handing off to her generation...

I'd like to live simply, grow food and other things organically, live in connection, directly, to the wilderness, to the rhythms of things pre-human, pre-civilization... release my own use of/ dependence upon fossil fuels and other toxins, "conveniences", "products"...

I'm done living in the f***ing city-- and don't want to move to suburbia.

But I can't live away from Naia. Unless, o'course, it's the only option I have to raise her outside of this... Instead of raising her in the city... I'll live away from her when SHE's in the city... and raise her outside of it when I'm with her.

I don't like this. I can't manage this. I don't know what to do. I know some of what I WANT to do... and I can manage to fake non-desperation and day-to-day getting-by in these unacceptable conditions... but it's coming loose at the seams...

I'm sad, frightened and uncertain... how.